Really need Help!!! Please give your input!!!
I have to say, I'm pretty depressed with my whole spanking situation. I read in Newsweek that more and more people are turning to Blogging to discuss their problems, so here it goes. I started this Blog over a year ago for the same reason. I tried to keep a upbeat tone and be optomistic about my particular situation but now I'm becoming more realilistic..... Pestomistic.
I'm married to a great woman but spanking is not in her vocab. If I make a huge ordeal of how much it means to me and how important it is for my soul, she will listen and give an occasional spanking but in a week it is forgotten about and never brought up. If I brig it up to much she get angry. The message has become loud and clear.... just be quiet and pretend it does not exist. I think she hopes it will just go away if its never brought up.
Day after day, I try to bury my feelings and keep it to myself, so I dream about it at night, think about it a good portion of the day and when I really get desperate try self-spanking. This always leaves me feeling more empty and frustrated. I have never cheated on her and never will. I know she would freak out if another woman gave me a spanking...... so again I'm stuck with nothing.
Sometimes I walk around Wal-Mart or the Grocery store and see a mom with kids trailing and wonder if she is a "spanker" First let me preface this story with "I'm not into spanking children or advocate the spanking of a child". I just wonder if the mom is a "spanker" and also wonder how does she spank, with her hand, or a hairbrush, over her knee or lying on the bed? Then the question goes through my head; if I asked some random Mom "For $200.00 dollars would you give me a spanking" What would happen, seriously, is it worth trying? My luck I would be thrown in jail.
I wish I could find a local theropist the specializes in spanking, someone who understands.
Please give me some feedback..... I'm a mess and not feeling this situation is or could get any better. I know I'm not alone..... their is someone out there smarter than I am that has figured out the answer..... Please Help!!!!!!!! Thanks in advance.
posted by OTKbrush at 5:49 AM
19 Comments:
just because you are into spanking, does not mean it has to be sexual for you...that could be your limit....we have female tops in FMS...
You need to find the things your wife likes as much as you like spanking. You have to throw your whole entire being into them making them as enjoyable for her as spanking is for you. Going the extra mile in fulfilling your wife's most favored activities just might help her feel that doing the same for you is worth the effort to do things for you that are probably beyond her comprehension
Brush,
It's good to hear from you, even when the news isn't necessarily positive.
Forget the moms at the grocery store. Approaching them with your need will get you nothing but trouble nine times out of ten (and the tenth time, you'll find you have a whole different problem!).
I suggest you might want to connect with other spanking enthusiasts in your area. Perhaps you can meet someone willing to help with your need without violating your wedding vows. That solution is far from perfect, but it's probably better than the status quo.
I would suggest that you be honest with your wife. She will feel hurt and betrayed if you run around behind her back. In fact, you might even offer her the opportunity to come along and ensure everything is legitimate. In any case, tell her that you love her and that your relationship remains paramount.
I wish you well in your pursuit.
Bonnie
Brush,
I'm not sure where Sarasota is in relation to Tampa, but the above mentioned FMS has parties and several excellent lady spankers that could give you a hairbrushing on your butt that would keep you satisfied fo a season.
That said, listen carefully, these friends are right. Even though adult spanking is erotic, it does not have to be a sexual encounter, it can be just a spanking. But the dynamics are such, that unless you talk seriously to your spouse about it, it could ruin your marriage.
So open a line of communication. The first thing is let her read this blog. Then talk. Make a compromise, if she has always wanted to do something you are really not into, like swing dancing, negotiate, do it with her, or let her take classes and don't complain if she is dancing with other guys.
Just remember, spanking like dancing involves touching others, other than the significant other, in a very personal way. Issues are going to arise over that. In the best of all possible worlds, you can take her to dances, and she can take you to spanking parties. You can "wallflower" there and she can find out about this thing we do, and talk to spanky folks. Who knows, this might lead to a night of dancing and spanking at home, bye and bye.
Good luck, Billy
I wanted to thank everyone for their comments, it means alot so many people care. It is all good advise and from the heart. Thank You. I hope things work out.
Okay, speaking as someone who actually copes with this problem and has coached well, more than a few men through it...
I'm afraid I am going to have to be blunt, and brutal, but sometimes there is no getting around that.
First, you need to stay grounded in reality. That means accepting two facts. One, you will always have this need. Two, some people just can't get into spanking. Your wife may be one of them.
Apologies to those who offered rosy colored optimism, but all the offers, heartfelt pleas, negotiations, and trade offs may never do the trick.
By all means, do try the things suggested, but be prepared for the possibility that it may just never happen.
In that case, you have a few options, but I'm afraid none of them are good.
I don't think continuing to live without your needs being met is viable for you. Not with the level of desperation you are feeling.
You do need to have that talk, and you do need to be firm. You need to state in clear terms that you need this. Be able to explain exactly what you need and why. Do your homework, give her the resources to understand.
Then tell her she is the one you want to share these experiences with, tell her what she means to you and tell her how much more you think things between you could be.
Then ask her if there is any way she thinks she could ever do this for you. (at this point having spelled out exactly what you need, have specific well thought out plan)This is the point where you may be able to negotiate those trade offs. Give her time to think about it, maybe agree to a trial period.
If she says no, or the trial period doesn't work out. Tell her you love her, and that you respect her and her feelings. But point out that you still have this need and that it will not go away. Ask her if she could at least support you trying to get this need met elsewhere. At this point lay out that you mean spanking only and invite her to be as involved in the process if she would like.
If she says yes, make sure you keep any and all promises you make about seeking spanking elsewhere.
Now, here is the hard part, the utter gritty, ugly truth. If she is unwilling to spank you herself and will not allow you the chance to meet your need elsewhere you need to seriously consider ending the marriage.
In my experience, a partner who is unwilling to support the emotional needs of another-- regardless of what those needs are-- is not a true partner. Such a relationship is toxic to those in it and to everyone touched by it.
It's never easy to suggest or to consider ripping apart a long established relationship, especially if there is still love on one or both sides. One of my favorite authors compares divorce to an amputation. It very much is in an emotional sense. Like amputations, it is a drastic measure, but sometimes it is the only way to save a life.
The important thing to remember if things do reach that point is that it is not your fault. You will not have done anything wrong, so refuse to feel guilty. Regret, yes, but not guilt. You have to be who you are. You cannot be anyone else. Neither can she. If both of you being who you are results in a basic incompatibility the best you can do is accept that and move on, trying to do the least amount of damage possible.
If she chooses to set blame, refuse to accept it, but do not blame back. Live your life as you need to live it. Let her do the same.
Good luck.
Ms. Betty
I saw a movie once called "Whore" all about what it is like to be a prostitute - sensible movie not just a porn ripoff. The lead in the movie said something very true: "If a wife will not give her husband oral sex (euphemism) then he'll find somebody who will."
It's a shame that a woman who really loves her husband does not realize that more often.
Ken
"Be kind to your behind - Obey!" (talking to myself, again)
Sometimes we ask questions whose answers we already know inside my friend. As one similarly situated in life I know the emotional tug of war you speak of... the tragedy being that for you as with myself, there is likely no other who can complete this need in you more perfectly than the very one who cannot see it, or worse yet... sees yet is unable or unwilling to go there with you. Yet can you blame them? It seems unkind to do so and easy to feel guilt at having this need in the first place. No easy answers that I've found, only a continued search to understand myself better. Even that may be in vain as it's driven at least in part in the hope that someday such knowledge may allow me to explain it in a way I have not yet been able to.. as if that might make all the difference.
Nothing seems so lonely at times as a deep longing unfulfilled but what I know now is that you either have this desire within you or you don't. It's very hard and often unfulfilling where romantic partners are so unequally yoked emotionally... even where one is willing to try, or make an effort the attempt often falls far short of where your heart wants to go unless there is a parallel desire or compatible nature in your spouse that supports this activity within your relationship. I'm afraid I have no new advice for you... though I second the recommendation to deep six the grocery store idea, OK? The odds are not in your favor. If you've decided to go outside the marriage to try and find the answer, even if only on an emotional basis, by all means seek local spanking groups or individuals that you know will share your interests. Perhaps you will find a Lady near where you live that enjoys spanking men... perhaps she, like you is emotionally committed to a relationship in which spanking just doesn't fit and needs an outlet for desires her marital relationship won't support.
Be upfront with your wife first, try once more to explain what you need from her and why... how important it is for your emotional health and the strength of your relationship, how it can make your relationship better, stronger, more fulfilling not just for you but for her as well. In the end, you have to know that the time might come when you have to choose literally between your marriage and this longing you have no control over. You can choose not to act on it... the question is, can you live with that choice? If you can't, then you may already know the answer to the help you wanted...
Tex
I was in your same situation. I paid for a pro. She got it done. She did not have any kind of sexualized actions. None at all. We communicated this up front. You see, if your need is like mine, it comes down to a serious, bare bottom spanking like a parent would give a child. And there is absolutely no sexual nature in that. If you are true to that notion, then there should be no remorse or guilt in keeping it to yourself ...because your wife would NEVER see it the same way, not in a million years.
Greetings! Reviewed your Blog with captive fascination, immodest excitement& deepest sympathy - I, for one, fully understand your needs becauseyour needs are also mine - Fate has, however, graced my domestic lifewith fantasies fulfilled in a manner exceeding my unworthy expectations–A Strict, No-nonsense, Loving Woman named Victoria takes the hairbrushto my bare rear end ‘til she raises blisters whenever she deemsnecessary –Spankings that she administers are frequent, lengthy & quite intense,leaving in their wake the red, swollen & throbbing aftermathof severe domestic chastisement as my usual comeuppance - Certainfriends of minehave also left Our Home vainly attempting to massage a dose ofdisciplineout of the seat of their jeans – Care to visit me & a Woman from LEDA?Whether or not that comes to be, may all your fondest dreams come true! adrian
adrian here - please contact me at adomstr@hotmail.com to discuss your latest entry & my comment - thanks, adrian
Great Blog! As to your question-you must show a difference in your actions toward your wife after a spanking. If she spanks you, do extra stuff around the house, be extra good to her. As that behaviour slacks off again, after a few times, she will make the connection. This is just classic conditioning.
I did not need to do this as she started many years ago with me. But let her make the association and she will be spanking you in no time. You may wish that you did not let the genie out of the bottle!
Dan
Good post.
I can feel your pain!
It is a shame when married folk do not know how to compromise. I will bet you there is something in her life that she needs as badly as you need a spanking. I have been in your position. I found something that my wife needed and we compromised.
I do not need any of that any more. She loves her position in the house and lets me know regularly that I will follow HER rules or else. Now as a true spanko,I enjoy the spankings and she enjoys spanking me. There is alotta good advice here but if you let your wife feel the power she can have over you it will be sobering how she will keep you bent over the bed. Best of luck. Something must be done your a spanko!
Not sure this blog is still active which is a a shame..following on from ms bettys comment my marriage did end in divorce due to my wife not ever going to go along with what i wanted and needed...of course there were other reasons but ultimately it came down to a complete lack of compromise..still looking for that elusive woman...may find her!..but im adamant that when i do she will be fully aware what she needs to do...not being macho just completely honest...i.want a burnt sore bottom..i want her to put her slipper to good use...and in return i will do anything to keep her...treasure her...worship her...because in my eyes thats what she deserves at the very least...bee_jay3058@yahoo.co.uk
If you are still around, I've been in your shoes and would love to talk.
cactus@gmx.com.
When I was a kid I got spanked several times both from my stepmother and stepsister. I always had to strip fully naked to apply the discipline. In addition when my stepmother gave the permission to my stepsister to punish me at the end of the spanking she dressed me as a girl claiming I was crying like a little girl. At the end of high school I enlisted in the navy which I spent 20 years. I had lots of fun but in my sex life, although I numerous relationships there was something missing. After my discharge I started to travel the world on my own until I went in Argentina and there I met my actual wife. She is a person with strong personality but loving, jealous but not obsessed. My truly right wife. I told her my past experiences she may fulfill what I was missing matter of fact she spank me before sex or before cunnilingus. Other times she cages my penis then she dress me as a girl, spanks me and than cunnilingus and right after she tell me no sex for you. You’re been a bad boy. In conclusion I have been very satisfied.
Congrats for your blog
Keep spinning. I was in your shoes and today I’m happy.
Perhaps you can have her write down the things you did wrong and have her escort you to a lady whose willing to roast your bottom. She will see how it's done and maybe learn to enjoy putting you through your deserved punishment. If nothing else you involved her and she sees exactly what's going on. Just be careful with brat behavior. A little goes along way.
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